"Those low-lifes who went along with the sacrifice shall be cursed."
Tell me about it! If Karma is a real law then the payment to be paid for this crime is huge.

Cancer, Injustice

I want to retouch the subject of cancer again a bit and also talk about my response to it. I realize that in some way it is selfish to say that I'm desiring to die in a sort of pouty way. There's more to it than that though. I genuinely feel that the treatments of cancer and the industry are utterly disgusting and dated. People don't realize that it shouldn't have to be this way if there is a cure.

If there is a cure? Think about that. If there is a cure then it is there already isn't it? Just waiting to be discovered. However, the modern world has a sort of distorted perception of just how "things work" in a strange way that you could call it "faith". It's that the spell that the drug companies have cast has people fooled in thinking that only the "law" can say what is and isn't a cure.

In this case, cannabis oil (which has to be roughly equal parts THC and CBD to be effective) is actually outlawed for use regardless if it can show that it really does kill cancer cells and reduce tumor size to zero. My mother actually told me of a case where a woman of a couple had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was told she only had 3 weeks to live. What did they do? They actually treated it and cured it with cannabis oil. What happened after she told the doctor what she did to cure it? Not long after that her house got raided by police for the extra cannabis oil she kept!

I mean - what is there to say? Doesn't that speak for itself about the spell that people are under? I just have no words to say anymore about that. Just think about it.

Personally, I'd rather not accept treatment and instead choose to get my hands on cannabis oil without even a second thought that it works or not. Why? If you understand "how" something works, you don't need "evidence" to tell you that it does do you? Although in this case I am going by evidence of several people for which cannabis oil has effectively cured their cancer.

"Well, what if you die!". I'm sure there's quite a lot of people out there who are shocked to think of "risking" their health by not listening to "doctors" and following their protocols for "treatment". The most disgusting thing of all to me is that they have the gall to call what they do "curing" cancer. It doesn't cure cancer to remove cancerous organs from your body. Think about that. The cancer is pretty much succeeding in it's task ahead of schedule when the organ it is attacking is removed. I mean... seriously isn't that just beyond stupid?

In the case of kidney cancer, I am a bit appalled and shocked to think there are people who gladly have their kidneys removed to "cure" their cancer. All this does is leave them tied to a dialysis machine to do work that your own vital organs are supposed to do. Worse, is that it isn't even as efficient in that task and why would it be? Then, the sufferer is left to wait for a possible kidney transplant. Look at the statistics for those that need kidney transplants in just one state alone and you can see just how shocking it is. One is one too many to suffer, yet more than thousands are in need of transplants each year in just one state.

Consider then that they still don't know the cause of cancer. Does this mean the persons who have their cancer "cured" (as they say it) are free and off the hook? No - not by a long shot. Now consider if what might've caused their cancer is still a factor in developing a new cancer? Also, if you have been diagnosed with cancer, you're basically tied to a doctor and will need follow-up scans to see if new cancer has developed or "come back".

Back to the subject of what causes cancer and if you ask me, the major factor seems to be stress and/or poor PH/oxygen levels. I'm not very knowledgeable in this particular field, but the actual "cure" for cancer is simple. It is just that cancer can not live in a PH level above 6.0. Whoa! That's it? Well, again, like the black plague, if living conditions improved, PH levels for individuals would be naturally high and cancer would simply be an afterthought.

Now, there's another subject I'd like to touch on in regard to my personal state of mind at present and some experiments I'd like to work on at home. It is relevant to cancer treatment, but touches more on how my enthusiasm for this experiment and how it has impacted my state of mind.

Oh yeah. Looking at some cancer information (from the myriad number of websites out there...) I had to have a laugh at the fact that they seem dumbfounded by the fact that some tumors actually "spontaneously" shrink and disappear! Haha.

Okay, honestly cancer is not funny at all. I don't even want to think about the pain it causes both physically and emotionally (and regretfully have read too much on personal experiences and have witnessed some words of an individual sufferer in an online game who likely died from cancer that spread all over). But if your sense of Justice is in the right, then please think about this subject more carefully. Is it really lawful to suppress and ban people from getting treatment that doesn't involve painful (and risky for the elderly in that it can kill them) surgeries? In this case, cannabis oil and raising your PH levels being outlawed and information that is suppressed.

Does anyone, in a moment of potential death by cancer, really give a damn if Angelina and Brad break up? Or that your favorite show got cancelled or ended on a cliffhanger? Alright, I won't bark at all that junk too much. Seriously, this a very heavy subject and while it might seem noble to donate to something like St. Jude, is it really just? When, after all this time a cure would immediately shut it all down and free so many from the pains and burdens of cancer.

And, do you seriously not think it is in the interest of big companies to keep people sick? It isn't a fucking conspiracy theory that I'm talking about here. This is really happening. It's just disgusting individuals who really don't care if you live or die - even if it is REALLY painful. If there's a show in place that makes it all seem so grand, why not just keep sleeping and enjoying it - right?

Maybe there was something else to say, but when it comes to this part of the topic, it becomes too hard to keep focus when people are so blind to the dangers facing them. Yes, I'm positive. This ISN'T negative talk. This is me being positive that people can't and won't be this STUPID.

Also, to say why it is then that the idea of dying to cancer hadn't really fazed me that much is because of the thought, "I'm tired.". I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of speaking when people keep doing the same crap over and over. When everything you say is irrelevant because you're not this or that. No - I'm human. My right is to live and to say what I see when I see it. And what I see is a world that, even if it could be given a gift, refuses to accept it. It is more or less a way of saying "fuck you, then." if people would rather waste their time chasing hollow dreams for the promise of fame or money rather than be human and help fight for a cause that is worth fighting for.

(Frustration blocking out other coherent thoughts at this point.) Something else about what I'm really saying by accepting a cancer diagnosis and quietly shaking death's hand that is lost on me. But you don't think it is obvious what it is?



There's a lot to say about this but I want to ask a simple question and give an example of what it really means when there is Justice.

Let's say there is a con-man who is going around selling a product that he knows doesn't work right. In the selling of this product, he makes thousands. The people who buy this product find that it is faulty after only a short time and it malfunctions. When it malfunctions let's say that a person becomes seriously injured as a result.

The question becomes when does Justice become "served" as it is said? When the man is put behind bars or when the people who've been damaged are restored and repaid?

The first case is the common case of people's sense of Justice. It means that the bastard got what he deserved for messing around with people's lives. Now he can't go around causing more harm. (However, escape from prison we all know is possible and there will be more con-men in the future.)

In the latter scenario though, the people are given back what was taken from them.

So which do you think is the actual case of Justice being served?

In The End - Synchronicity - Attachment to Suffering

You know there's a little more about In The End that I'm not quite sure I want to talk about. It's something about something I wrote which I was trying to convey the idea of being attached to suffering. Still it isn't determined if I have kidney cancer or not, but that's not what bothers me. What is really eating away at me is that if I did I certainly don't seem to care if it kills me! However, knowing how severe the pain can be it is definitely not something anyone wants.

So this subject is going to be a little dreary I'm afraid because it is about death. Death is a little more than physical passing though. It is about essentially allowing old things to die so that new things can be born. In this case it is about the attachment to suffering. Yes, as strange as it is, there are people who are attached to suffering! But why?

When it comes to cancer, it is a little disturbing to think that people actually like physical suffering because it can create a sort of theatrical emotional display for all persons involved. Sounds pretty screwy doesn't it? Am I saying that it is just fakery when people cry about cancer? It isn't that simple so please allow me to explain. I'm definitely not saying people like suffering with cancer! Nor that people like to watch people die from it!

Assuming cannabis oil (with roughly equal amounts of THC and CBD) cures cancer, there would be a massive relief worldwide to anyone who might be suffering. So what is holding it back? First of all, there's a great amount of money to be had in cancer research. You know what was the first thing I noticed when searching for information on kidney cancer and tumors? There were loads of websites of different organizations all saying the same thing!

It seems a little disgusting to think that organizations are really in it for the money. I know. It ISN'T that simple and yet it is. Yes, before people jump the freakin' gun, I do know that there are genuine people who are just trying to help. But there's a greater number of people who believe that since people in the highest positions are researching that they can't be wrong if they say that cannabis oil doesn't cure cancer. Where would all those studies be coming from who would suggest that cannabis oil doesn't cure cancer? Those dirty organizations of course who realize they would go under if a cure was discovered!

Hold up just a second before throwing me in the category of "people without degrees can't know anything and are stupid" and just hear me out. I do really want to talk about attachment to suffering and that is still what this is about. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the black plague.

The black plague? What's significant about the black plague in relation to the attachment to suffering? Now, I'm just going on my memory and what I remember hearing about the black plague so sue me if I'm not accurate here. The reason that the disease flourished was simply because of poor living conditions. That people literally sat in their own filth and so the disease would spread.

We're quite fortunate that living conditions have improved and that we have the advantage of being knowledgeable about diseases. The problem is, is that the lower or common man has no say in just what might be the cause of a disease or what could cure it. When authority is running the show and when their interest is money, the common man is nothing but a speck of dust to be snuffed out. Sad even still, is that they don't even have to lift a finger to keep you quiet! It isn't much different from the days of old, except that today the angry mobs look different.

The point is, is that there is an answer, but not everyone wants to hear that. In the case of cancer, cancer can not thrive in oxygen rich environment. In fact, a Nobel Prize was given for the discovery of a cure to cancer by simply showing that very thing! So like the black plague, the case seems to be the same doesn't it? Almost. The difference is there is a great wall of ignorance forcing this kind of information to the underground where it is not to be seen. To think if living conditions improved, then this "mysterious" killer (it still takes too many lives...) would suddenly vanish.

What's this got to do with In The End and attachment to suffering? Well, when I was in the hopsital my stay was not pleasant at all and not because of the idea of having cancer. It's that I was quite literally accepting death out of nothing but the promise of relief from mortal suffering. More than that, I wanted to let everyone know that what they call living I call nothingness, emptiness, hopelessness, and roboticism. Since I see that's how they live, I feel horribly disgusted that I'd rather die to make a statement by saying absolutely nothing. All I did say was that maybe I don't care because I'm trying to accept what I know is inevitable!

Okay but the relation to In The End? Maybe the lyrics really do come from your "subconscious" and that particular verse is STILL haunting me and it's a mix of pleasure and displeasure. I still cry to myself when I get the time to be alone because I can't seem to explain it even still.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

My only explanation of this is that there really is an attachment to suffering and if there were an answer, it is not so easy to accept when you're accustomed to suffering. The pain is in letting go of the world. Most people can not understand this and I can understand their perspective because I've been there. To them, this is nothing more than someone needing a pat on the back or someone to talk to. It doesn't feel or seem in this case that that is an answer at all. It is just "depression" or "melancholy" or maybe even psychotic to most people.

Still, when I contemplate the song or rather when it starts to ring in my head, the images of it come through so vividly. Yes, I know, they say it's linked with psychosis to see vivid images. It is just something though that seems to increase awareness a hundred fold. Especially when trying to sleep.

"Of course I can see through the illusion because I'm not an idiot!", I said to myself in my head one night and that light came through so strong! Only for a moment though. How is it, in these peculiar moments of deep reflection and trying to poke at something, a feeling of (or is it really a sense?) love actually comes to me again. I don't know how to explain it. Part of it seems to be accepting the world as it is. People strangely don't want a relief from suffering.

"That's why you grow old, get sick and die because you are deprived of the one who could heal you." - Gospel of Thomas

Still, I don't know why the Gospel of Thomas and Mary have rung true to me. Funny that they're considered "heretical" by modern Christianity. Yet, they're also strangely the only ones that I looked at and searched before the others. I don't see that Scripture and other curious documents don't say the same thing though at their heart. Like a particular line of Hermes' works where he converses with Thoth (Thought) who tells Hermes that he can not enter into the Realm of God with his body.

"...when you look at your images which neither did die nor become visible, how much you will have to bear!" - Gospel of Thomas

There, it's in that. That is where a lot of personal, quiet suffering is coming from for me. When I first heard, "You can not enter into the Realm of God with your body", my immediate response is to be met with great sadness and despair. Why? It is a little tough to say. That doesn't sound like the typical spiritual idea though does it? It's as if you're beckoned to a land of pure infinitude that is not bound by any physical law. It doesn't sound as if you're just meant to float around the cosmos on an astral vehicle underneath your physical machine.

I didn't say or share exactly why me finding those screenshots of my name and Chester's name was significant though. For a time, I was having fun creating Magic Cards via an online site and one day I decided to think of my favorite spell in a game. "Galaxy Stop!" came to my mind. This spell is easily one of the coolest spells in Final Fantasy Tactics and is probably a lot of people's favorite. Especially the character who casts it since he appears only in this particular battle and is the only character capable of casting it.

Well, I had to do a google search of the image and that's when I suddenly had a feeling of something nudging me to "scroll back up". So I did and saw the name Chester on a Chemist (a job in the game in this particular battle) in a screenshot. My first reaction was just, "Okay, no big deal. Though it is a little funny to think of the rarity of the name and the odds of finding this.". Though as I scrolled back down I saw another screenshot with my name too.

Now, I know most people will say it doesn't mean anything and it is likely that I'm just seeing something that I want to see to give it significance. Fair enough. Except that there are a few more pecularities I didn't mention. First of all, it is that the astrological sign of each name is the Libra sign which stands for Justice. Second of all, the spell Galaxy Stop is synonymous with destiny and worldwide stillness. And just what are the odds of that? There are a large number of names which could've been picked out and an ever greater odd that the astrological sign wouldn't match either.

"Stillness is the Source." - Lao Tzu

What else? Well, it's that I had already imagined something before finding those images and thinking of Galaxy Stop. Before this, I should say I use my imagination to think of something fun or cool and one such thing I tend to imagine is video game settings/environments and placing yourself in them. What I had I imagined before was actually that I was a chemist on this particular map and with me was Chester, also a chemist. This is how I tend to cope with manic or violent thoughts.

So with that said, is it really just coincidence? I already hear lots of people asserting to me that it is. Fine. But the odds of all this lining up like this? I'm saying this at the risk of "sounding completely stupid", you know. I've kept it inside for a while because I know how it sounds. The idea that seems hard to convey here is predetermination.

Many will suggest that again this is just clever connection between things and doesn't have any meaning except what I'm making of it. Don't think I don't see that. I'm already aware of how that state of mind works and I've seen people in it.

In the case of Jungian psychology, synchronicity can be seen as something valid. In the world of modern science and psychology though, it is nothing more than psychotic imagination. They think because some persons seem lost in some maze of wonder that nothing good comes from this. That it is just fantastical thinking which bears no personal revelations which might lead to the transformation of individuals affected by it.

"Interestingly, it was the power of synchronicity to overwhelm the rational mind that held significance for Carl Jung (1875-1961), the Swiss psychiatrist who coined the term and brought the phenomenon to light.  Jung recognized that synchronicity, which he defined as meaningful coincidence, had the effect of breaking through the “rationalistic shell” of the modern scientific mind.  It is a form of coincidence powerful enough to shatter the notion that material science has discovered all there is to know about the universe.  To the person having an experience of synchronicity, the realization dawns that a mysterious force is at play in the world—a kind of “cosmic clock” whose gears operate on a more subtle plane.

Modern science—based on the physical laws of cause and effect—measures and validates the relationship between cause and effect in the dimensions of time and space.  What fascinated Jung about synchronicity was its acausal nature.  He defined it as an “acausal relationship of events,” as there is no apparent explanation for the occurrence of two simultaneous events, one subjective and one objective.  Further adding to the mystery, Jung noted that the occurrence has special meaning for the person who experiences it.  This implies that unknown forces in our universe have the capacity to make visible, in the world of concrete form, the contents of the invisible realm of consciousness.

A classic illustration of synchronicity presented by Jung involved one of his patients, a woman with a highly developed rational mind— a fact that made her psychoanalytic treatment difficult.  One day she was telling Jung about a dream she had had in which she received a golden scarab, a beetle with significance in Egyptian mythology.  Just at that moment, Jung reported, he heard a noise “like a gentle tapping” on his window.  When he opened the window, a scarab-like beetle flew in.  Jung caught the beetle and presented it to his patient saying, “Here’s your scarab.”  The stunning impact of this synchronicity overwhelmed the defenses of her rational mind and led to a breakthrough in her treatment."

Taken from: http://whenthesoulawakens.org/synchronicity-and-the-soul_288.html

What's funny about this is, that is it was actually the womans highly developed rational mind that was a hindrance to treating her. So events that seem to line up for the individual, certainly seem to beckon an awakening to the affected persons. They momentarily steal away the rational mind and open the senses to the idea that life is not some temporal field where we live to only to die. That there is more to this life than eating, sleeping, and waiting for the day to be buried.

Did that explain enough? Was it even an explanation at all? Just a bunch of disjointed subjects thrown together in something that shouldn't be considered an article? I get it. I do. Though at the same time, I threaten to want to question the world and what it wants and in return all I get is silence. If I press this too much, I'm just acting obsessed and sickly. It isn't because I want to press buttons! I just want them to tell me, because I'd really like to know!

Some melancholy music lyrics.

I'm kicking that stone
down your street alone
And the walls
Criticize where I have gone

I'm throwing that stone
Through your open door
And the halls seem to tell me
I am wrong


Nobody's home and I feel lost inside
There's a clock counting down what's left of time
When you're alone it's easy to hesitate
Like a girl listening to her heart break

I'm taking the long way Home
Where everything's overgrown
Just like the boy trying to give it away
I regret tomorrow...

ATB - Long Way Home


Combichrist - Throat full of glass
Beyond cruel received
The comfort in a broken heart
Now palette shades
An image after life
Alone, surrounded by a million faces
One by one
I see the judgment in your eyes
Like a disease
I'm always in the wrong
And now the numbness wearing off
Can't stand the pain
I get in line, I always do
Need to be patient while perfecting
That's the sign
I cannot help it, can't decline
It's always better down the line
I'm in the wrong and I've done it all before
And I wish I'd never been
And I know it's just a dream
Now I'm blind, I can't open my eyes
Can't stay awake, burning alive
I cannot breathe this poison air filled with lies
I cannot see what's done to me
Live in fear, the sun is falling from the sky
Extra Note: For fun and giggles I thought I'd buy a pack of Dragon Ball Z trading cards at the Dollar Tree and decided that the character card I found in it would represent me (or not). Who did I get?




Also, there was a lot more I wanted to say but it all didn't come out. More about cancer and its treatments and how it makes people who are diagnosed with terminal cancer feel - or cancer that has spread.

More to say about attachment to suffering is just that well - why do you think I know what it is?

The greatest gift could be given to you, but you're still free not to take it. Or could it be that you're just being played by the hands of fate?

The MRI - The Black Hole - Anxiety and Pressure


Recently, I had to go to the ER for stomach pain and constipation. However, the worst part was actually the MRI. Even though it was my second time using the machine, I felt a great deal of anxiety after the first "breath holding" session. There's a lot to explain why this is, but I'd like to discuss a possible solution more than beat on the surrounding complications.

Edit note: I went from the ER and was transferred to the hospital when they found a tumor on each kidney after a CT scan. Also, I seemed to beat on the complications a lot more than I thought I would!

For one, the lady conducting the test (bless her heart) was quite rude. Her attitude and lack of confidence in my ability to complete the test heightened my anxiety and racing mind. She actually asked me my nationality and even tried to suggest that I was "too old to be having this problem.". There was more that was said, but for the most part this problem wasn't new to me.

Not to derail this a little further but not too long ago I had a wisdom tooth extracted. Even though I approached with confidence (and when you're in pain you almost don't care what anyone does to relieve it!) at some point, racing thoughts hit me like a truck and I began to shake my legs while keeping my upper body still.

Now, the difference between these two experiences is in part of the treatment from the persons performing the procedure. In the case of the extraction, even though I was nervous, I felt somewhat comforted with the assistant who kept saying, "You're doing great!". This is far more relieving to hear and even though it doesn't directly attack the source, it makes dealing with it much easier.

The Black Hole (MRI) though is a problem for many people. Some are comforted to just take a sedative so they can relax. I was not intent on doing this and didn't think I would need to so didn't ask for it. What happened though was something like performance anxiety (not the sexual problem!) because of the intensity of wanting to complete the test without fail.

The technician was putting a lot of pressure on me to complete the test and kept hounding me with how important it was for a proper diagnosis. To clarify, what they're looking at are tumors on my kidneys and cysts on my liver. Already, I realize the severity of needing the test done and honestly didn't feel like it shouldn't have kept on being thrown in my face as if I were unaware. Yet, the technician and doctors just wouldn't stop with their somber and serious attitudes about it.

Is that to say that I don't care if I have cancer or not? It isn't that. Most assume because of the way I carry myself on the surface that I don't care. It's just that treating the issue with seriousness doesn't help anything in any way. I'm not one for theatrics or overwhelming displays of emotion; not because I think they're bad, but because it just isn't rational on any level. If stress is a killer then why create an atmosphere so heavy about it? Does that sound cold or indifferent? I think it's worse to make me feel like I HAVE to act serious. I'd rather carry myself as light-heartedly as possible to avoid racking stress up.

Now, did I not have an emotional reaction when I first was told there was possibly cancer to worry about? I did actually, but preferred not to show it. It isn't because I was "taught it was bad" or that "men shouldn't cry". I prefer to cry in silence and in moments of reflection. Personally, I think this is more noble. Sometimes people cry in front of others only as a display of some sort. Again, I'm not trying to sound like a cold jackass here. It doesn't mean that if the situation is severe I don't ever cry publically. Nor do I think that a person crying publically is doing it as a display. In fact, one of the persons who came into the ER after midnight was crying and that I saw as genuine. Bah, that's a whole 'nother topic! Forget that for now.

The issue here to talk about was "pressure". I felt pressured from everyone in the ER just about; from doctors to even my own family members. I didn't complete the MRI and was saying that I would finish it at a time when I felt more stable. The lack of sleep and surrounding atmosphere just felt way too heavy and somber. With all kinds of decisions and factors for deciding what to decide, my anxiety started to pile up high.

What was it I was deciding on? There was only about 10 minutes left of the MRI to do before I bailed from intense anxiety. My heart felt like it would burst right out of my chest at some point and when I went back in for the last part (with the contrast to be streamed through the I.V.) my blood went cold before the contrast was even used and I called it.

What was really racking the anxiety up was the fact that there was little time in between holding breaths (for roughly 15-25 seconds) before you would have to hold your breath again. At first it didn't seem so bad to just hold your breath and keep still. However, the time in between holding breaths felt like less than 2 seconds! I hardly had a chance to catch my breath! Once the second round of breath holding began, already I started to panic because the first breath holding session felt longer than 20 seconds. When you hold your breath that long it can sometimes get to you if you're not stable. After about roughly 16 seconds maybe, then I started to "feel like I need to breath" and would struggle to stay still.

Immediately in this situation racing thoughts started attacking me and destroying my ability to focus. Probably the lack of sleep was effecting me too. Pressure was still an issue here too since I couldn't stop thinking about how I'm "failing the test". And when the technician questions you and asks you if you, "know how to hold breath", it sort of defeats your confidence or it might just piss you off. Anxiety was worse because I felt the need to explain myself which was frustrating because it was clear I wasn't being listened to.

Okay, but without having to say too much more about the whole process of the procedure and the racing thoughts, it is more important to realize a solution. Confidence I think is key! Otherwise, most feel as though sedatives are all they need. Personally, I don't get claustrophobic at all, but the reality of it did set in as my anxiety got worse. That was not the source of the issue though, I realized that (and no one can tell me how I feel - that is so utterly annoying and stupid...).

So how can you be confident in this situation? For me, I did not like the way I was being treated like a child or baby needing to have his hand held through everything. Even relatives "helping" with pushing the I.V. machine so I could go to the loo was even killing my sense of confidence. I don't think this kind of behavior is at all productive or helpful. It's far more harmful since it takes away your sense of power and confidence to "do it yourself" which is really the only way it gets done anyway.

Whoa! Still I'm saying a lot. Well, what can I say ? It was eventful. Solution? Play! How? In my first run with the machine (which was so many years ago that I forgot when it was) admittedly I was still a little anxious and struggled to hold my breath for as long as was needed, but still managed to get by without feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I was confident that all I had to do was challenge myself to do it better. Then it becomes more of a play where you know it isn't something you're afraid of and rather something you're welcoming to get better at.

There that is at least part of a solution which could work for many. I realize anxiety and racing thoughts are not very easy to overcome when you're caught in the moment and feeling oddly attacked by them from all directions. Still, it is possible to overcome! There must be some kind of confidence in the triumph and your sweet victory which will turn the Black Hole into a playground where you know you can't be harmed.

That I think was part of the reason I succeeded with my fight against the Black Hole in the first round. I was quite confident that it wasn't an issue of time and waiting for the test to be done. Instead it a was a test which you would reward yourself with nothing but the challenge to do a good job. In general, I always liked to approach subjects like this no matter what it is. Learning and triumph should be fun, not a burden. You know what they say too, "Time flies when you're having fun.". Indeed, the MRI should be much smoother if you approach it that way.

As a general note about MRIs, you should definitely consider asking for medication prior to the procedure to help ease you through it. They can even put you to sleep if you prefer (though the technician made it sound unpleasant by calling it invasive - thanks for the unneccesary anxiety and stress!). Also, it was only brought to my attention (after reading about it on the internet) afterwards that you can actually have the technician ask you if you're ready to do another breath holding session. That would've been nice to know and would've eased my anxiety and stress 100-fold! Studies even show that this in particular helps improve the results from the test than otherwise. Well, no freaking duh? You're the patient who needs CARE not TORTURE from a stupid machine...

Then, I want to get into a rant about health care and its procedures/medicines/tools in general as being totally uninnovative. The concern should always be maximum comfort for the patient. So many tools and machines however require some level of pain, discomfort, or invasiveness. This to me is just totally unnatural and beyond stupid. I had to have a rant to the family that people shouldn't be needing this much damn health care in the first place. They just don't place their health and well-being first before entertainment. Why should they anyway? The ER will fix you up right? Well, it can't always you know?

That's a rant for another day and time though I suppose. Unfortunately, my pleas go unheard and they're not just because I found the experience unpleasant, but because I become aware that there others for whom these things are probably so much worse than unpleasant. It's a serious problem for some that it can trigger you quite negatively and distort your view of the world and trust with it. My shattered sense of trust seemed to have started long ago with "doctors" and "nurses" at the age of 7, but again that's a whole 'nother story!

Another thing to say here is that the patient and technician relation should be warm and assuring. The technician should always try to make the patient feel like they're okay and not in danger. I mean, good heavens, you're the patient! This really shouldn't feel like torture. You should feel comfortable enough to laugh and not feeling under the pressure of "this HAS to be done". If the idiots would realize this then it wouldn't become a problem or would be much less of a problem.

On the subject of stress and pressure, after I began to contemplate going home so I can feel comfortable and get some rest on a decent bed, I was being bombarded (it felt like that) with everyone's suggestions of doing or not doing it. My whole reason was - I wasn't really being listened to either... - that I don't feel stable and would feel stable when I could go home to rest. After that I would feel more capable and centered to finish the MRI at another time.

It became such an ordeal that my blood pressure went up and my arm started hurting. Isn't that beyond stupid? I shouldn't feel like that in a damn hospital. I mean shit, if the cancer won't kill you then the stress of everyone's lack of concern for your mental state leading to a heart attack just might! Great!

At some point, the pressure of deciding and being given so many problems and even being treated as if I wouldn't return and would "die" from refusing treatment was adding to my stress so much! At that point I started to feel a little surreal. I could no longer feel like anyone around me was even talking or that I could hear them. It is a little hard to explain but my state of mind was shifting negatively quickly from the pressure of everyone putting the burden on me and trying to tell me what I should feel. As if I don't know my state of mind ! They can't "see" it so how dare they try to tell me to just "do it". I asserted myself stating that I would really feel better when I got home. I really do intend on finishing the test and treating me as if I wouldn't was harmful and not helpful to me at all.

Imagination is helpful to me here too. Whenever I got home, the first thing I did was kick on some music and imagine. Already, my anxiety started to lessen and my mood shifted to feeling positive again. Probably helps if you listen to something uplifting and triumphant with drums rolling, trumpets to gain a feeling of battle and the feeling of overcoming the odds. Imagining yourself as maybe a handsome knight or powerful wizard destroying some monstrous entity (which is a metaphor for the anxiety of whatever it is your facing) really helps gain some confidence. I don't care if people think, "It's a fleeting thing so why bother?". Well, it's more helpful than words I'll tell you that. At a time when a powerful benzo like Ativan no longer started working for me, I had to use it to combat anxiety and it's far more beneficial in the long run than benzos ever were.

Something that helps me feel better when I got home. Seriously! That captures how I tend to feel inwardly.

And a song to sooth me when I got home. My racing thoughts and overanxious mind felt so relieved. Some crying helped too... Seriously!

Spiritual Body - Interspaces - Imperceptible to Ordinary Senses

"Ordinarily, said the Invisibles, this goes on unconsciously, and more or less inefficiently. We are self-contained. We are encrusted in a hard shell. A certain flow through us persists in spite of this. Otherwise we should not be alive at all. But too often it is the barest trickle: no more than sufficient to carry on painfully a slow progress and a torpid existence.

In the green stage of unripeness little can be done to alter these natural processes. But there comes a time, to everyone, when we can, if we will, take conscious and intelligent direction. Then these heretofore automatic processes will function not only better and more quickly, but less painfully. In The Betty Book I set down the philosophy and technique of how this can be done. It is unnecessary here to repeat more than basic principles. I will state them as briefly as possible.

One of these is that each of us occupies not only the physical body we see, but a second or spiritual body. This latter will continue to contain us after physical death. Though imperceptible to our ordinary senses, the spiritual body is no vague wraith of insubstantial shadow. It is perfectly real, made of definite substance, and will function in a world that corresponds to it. That world also is of definite substance. Indeed so far from the fuzzy or ghostlike is this world that, in one sense, its matter is even more substantial than that of the physical universe, for it interpenetrates--fills the interspaces--of the latter. In it the realities of consciousness will have more vivid scope than we know in our present phase. Through it the vital force of the universe acts more powerfully and directly than with us.


But--and here is the important point--that world is not separated from ours by a hard and fast iron wall of time. We can, in certain ways, begin to function in it now. Indeed at the time of ripeness that is what we must do if we are to continue efficient and developing. If we gain consciously and keep continuously our contact with it, our reservoirs will draw from unfailing abundance. The difference between that and our ordinary state would be the difference between power line and a storage battery.

In doing this our final aim is to develop a definite, close-knit core of self, in which we can have confidence as an indestructible unit. For only in this way can we be assured of a permanent nucleus of individuality which will hold securely together in the strain of life--and death." - Across the Unknown

Contentment requires knowing, knowing requires input, input requires mind, mind requires awareness, awareness requires presence, presence requires sensation/feeling

Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead - Gorillaz, Clint Eastwood

"What do you suppose your senses were given you for apart to keep you from falling down? ... 'You' are in your body..." - Across the Unknown

"Knowing constancy is insight." - Lao Tzu

"Man has such a predilection for systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses only to justify his logic." - Fyodor Dovstoevsky

It is not a dream

If it were a dream, then it was, but now it isn't. That's logic!


Interpreting - Additional Excerpt from "Go Ask Alice" Added in because I can't add anymore content for some reason

I just opened up "randomly" to this page of Go Ask Alice and found this. I've never read the book, but picked it up from somewhere in this house and set it down on top of my computer. It was just today that I discovered this bit and was a littled overjoyed to see it.


Page 138 of "Go Ask Alice"


"May 12

This morning I looked out the window and saw new green popping through the soil and I started crying uncontrollably again. I don't really understand the resurrection. I can't even conceive how Gramps' body which will decay and sour and mold and mildew and fall into crumbling little bits can ever come back together again. But I can't understand how a brown dried-up, shriveled little gladiola bulb can reblossom either. I guess that God can put atoms and molecules and bodies together again if a gladiola bulb without even a brain can do it. This really makes me feel a lot better, and I don't know how I could ever expect to understand death when I can't even understand television or electricity, or even stereo for that matter. In fact I understand so little I don't know how I even exist.

I once read somewhere that man uses less than a tenth (I think) of his brain capacity. Imagine having 90 percent more thinking ability, and using every bit of it. That would be simply glorious! Imagine what a perfectly marvelous planet this would be if minds were 90 times more efficient than they are now?"


When I am no longer threatened under the restlessness of any sort of vice, I find myself more calm and self-centered. The mind becomes naturally quiet and doesn't desire to make noise for the fun of it. It is not scary. That is the significance of a sublime state of mind.

Virtue I see then, is just a state of mind. It is much less, or really not at all, to do with the actions, but the state of mind that the actions bring.

No to say it is "just" a state of mind, makes it sound insignificant. That wasn't meant to come out like that.

It is what Otto Weininger refers to when he talks about morality being an expression of who you are. And what Lao Tzu refers to with this quote:

"Of all that is good, sublimity is supreme. Succeeding is the coming together of all that is beautiful. Furtherance is the agreement of all that is just. Perseverance is the foundation of all actions."

Sublimity is to be passive and in a state of awe and a greater state of awareness/presence. Succeeding means that those within this state come together. Unity? Furtherance is when everything is in agreement, that it finally decides to come together - Justice. Perseverance means steady persistance in a course of action, or a purpose despite the difficulties and obstacles that discouraged it. Then the foundation of all the actions was just to fulfill this purpose.

"Great indeed is the sublimity of the Creative, to which all beings owe their beginning and which permeates all Heaven." - Lao Tzu

Let me just say, that I am no buddhist or taoist. Okay? I understand a lot of the suffering that goes on in the world... all the time. However, these quotes seem to imply that there is indeed a desired end for Earth. I know it sounds terrible doesn't it? But if you're going to play around with the idea such as "purpose" then you need to take care in listening to its meaning.

If you ask me. This is the true "law of attraction". That all in the Universe is magnetically contained and the coming together of all that is beautiful seeks to move towards this Unification.

"The beautiful things are put in the world to help you."

With that statement is the very curious part, "put in the world.". Again, where do you suppose a flower comes from? Why should it form in the way it does? How? That is the big one isn't it? How?

They say that, in the womb, it is the mother's heartbeat that helps to grow the child. Or something to that effect.

What curious thing it is too, to call Earth, "Mother" Earth.

"We must accept that this creative pulse within us is God's creative pulse itself." - Joseph C Pearce

"You can't pulse yourself, you mustn't think you can pulse yourself!" - Betty White

There I think is part of the mystery behind some manic behavior. What do I mean? I mean when someone is doing something that doesn't accord with Natural tendencies they're acting out a sort of psychic outpouring. In this occurance is something that seeks to do something like draw, write,... any form of expression. The person feels compelled to do these things. Sometimes the expressions are beautiful or they're dark/nonsensical. However, even something nonsensical is saying something still, don't you think?

Edit: Whoops, I don't mean to tie in dark with nonsensical. Dark things can still be beautiful. Depressing things I guess is what I'm thinking of. Or things that reflect on human nature in a somewhat depressing tone.

But what do I mean by not in accordance with Natural tendencies? Anything that is not expressive of Nature's law. Nature is harmonious and beautiful. When there is harmony then there is health, happiness, and right living.

Maybe there is more to say than that, but for now I leave it at that.

Also, let me say that this is not meant to be mystifying.


Edit: Other definitions for sublime include that it is something exalted, elevated, or lofty in thought.

 Sublime - inspiring deep veneration, awe, or uplifting emotion because of its beauty, nobility, grandeur, or immensity

"It is not the Way that exalts the Man, but the Man who exalts the Way." - Confucius

"Men imagine that they communicate  virtue or vice only by overt actions and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson


There's more to say about "balance" here. Though I hate to point out the obvious sometimes. Or rather, what seems to be obvious to me.

Oh right, let me define my definition of self-centered. I mean everything feels centered or focused. Not the definition which means solely interested in yourself.

other definitions:
Archaic. fixed; unchanging.
centered in oneself or itself

"Music in the Soul can be heard in the Universe." - Lao Tzu
"Of all that is good, sublimity is supreme." - Lao Tzu


There was something undifferentiated and yet complete, which existed before Heaven and Earth. Soundless and formless, it depends on nothing and does not change. It operates everywhere and is free from danger. It may be considered the mother of the universe. I do not know its name; I call it Tao. - Lao Tzu

He "calls" it Tao, but that is just a way to name it. That's all he's saying.

The way things are? Friends AND enemies?

Dog Poop - Responsive Behavior - Reasonableness


Apparently, about 41% of dog owners don't pick up their poop. Guess what? I'm one of those owners. Now, what is your response to hearing this? Probably, there is a great deal of responsive negative thoughts being thrown my way for this already.

So what is the problem with that, you say? Well, guess what my response is to someone who smugly tells me to pick it up? I don't want to pick it up!

The reason I am writing this is because just today I went to take my dog out and my neighbor spotted me and "stopped" me by shouting at me. His aggressive tone was bordering on him becoming violent with me. Immediately my nerves are shot and I'm already being triggered into fight or flight mode. Should it really come to that?

So there is part of this problem: our responsive behavior. We can't discuss issues without someone thinking that it is more important to "be right" (and what a strange thing it is) rather than help increase our understanding of the issue. Reasonableness! For the love it!

I remained as calm as I could (on the surface) but the guy was actually saying he was going to kick my ass if I don't. It simply has never occurred to me that it was "wrong" not to pick it up. I realize that stepping in dog doody is problematic and not just "gross". There are indeed some health concerns that can affect another person if they touch it by mistake. Some children playing apparently have even become blind from falling into it.

But if not for me thinking more of being responsible and reasonable then I simply wouldn't even bother. There's the other side of this problem. You see? When you become "violent" with your point of view, the other person is apt to not want to listen to you. They will often want to do the opposite of what you're telling them. I only wish people would realize this.

Funny, that this guy was actually older than me. That is not at all reasonable behavior for an adult. In our society we have a perverse view that males are supposed to express themselves like this. A true father is wise, has good conduct, and is a good teacher as a result. They don't use "force". Language like that is part of why our society has not been producing stable, sound, peaceful, coexisting creatures.

If the guy had come out and asked politely now, would I have followed? Maybe, or maybe not? There's another issue. I think these issues start with how we teach each other in our everyday interactions. If it had been a commonly accepted practice in my family to pick it up, then it would just be that.

So will I pick it up? Yes, I'm even just a little "resentful" to have to submit to someone under that kind of aggressive behavior. But the issue is more important than that foul man's mouth. With that said, if you're possibly one of the 41% of dog owners who don't pick it up, make an effort. And... for the love of God, discuss the issues reasonably! I can't stress this enough.

Moreover, there are some good people out there who will pick it up "for" you. It shouldn't have to come to that. You would relieve someone of a burden that shouldn't become theirs. This is another problem with our society and its issues. Piece by piece, day by day, little by little, make the little things count and let's come together?
Edit 28-April-2017

There is one thing I'd like to address and its the idea that dog poop is "toxic". Now, the thing I want to say is likely something that sounds too obvious that it is ill-received and regarded as "non-scientific" (because it isn't backed by lots of "studies" to "prove itself".). Well, what is it? It's that... if a dog's pop is "toxic" it isn't because of the dog, but because of their diet.

Seems too fucking obvious though so it gets ignored and is violently attacked. Animals are taking craps all the time on Earth and have been since its conception.
Yes, I know... most people don't like to hear this because they think it dismantles or perhaps that it is against the theory of "Climate Change".

Poop and diet are just obvious though. Not to sound gross, but as an example, when my grandma goes to the bathroom, there is a very horrid smell she leaves behind. Most people think this kind of thing is funny and maybe it can be, but at its heart it is a serious health issue.

The thing to note here (and hey this IS Scientific, because - guess what [gasp] - it is based on observation and is formed on a hypothesis) is that our grandma will eat just about anything and everything without much regard. No kidding. It does not even matter that the food has been sitting out or it belonged to someone else. She also has a problem with her digestion and heart which she just recently went to the hospital for.

So if there is a problem with the environment it really is our choices that are to blame. In my family though, health is something that can be taken for granted because it is all up to the good ol' doctors to fix us up anyway. And it is apparently only up to them to tell us what we need to do to keep our health in check.

"Education happens everywhere and all the time." but people don't realize this.

I just want to add that my poopies tend not to smell, in case anyone wants to bark at me. [blush]

Oh, and ever heard of "beer sh*ts"? Those smell really bad. As if that weren't evidence enough of what you put in is important to health.

Socrates also noted that if you don't regard what people are eating, then how could you know disease?


"What goes around comes around." - Now this is taken out of context if you ask me. What? Why?

"I don't understand I did something good, but good things aren't happening for me."

"Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be, until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." - Martin Luther King Jr.

When people refuse to give, then who can ever get?

The clouds don't hide the Sun, they only encourage him to shine his light even stronger, but still can not completely shut it out from the sight of the world.

Once upon a time you were my friend
Recent, though, I know it feels like ages
Said we’d be together, ’til the end
Well, come on back babe this is just a phase

A phase, a phase
A phase

Funny how the time, it ticks on by
Seconds I been losing when we use to fool away
I hope you feel the same when you’re just waiting
For me, to beg you to stay

To stay, to stay
To stay

Take a look inside
I’m beggin’ you
Daring you to change your mind
I know you’d say you’d try
But again I’m beggin’ you
Baby, change your mind
I’m beggin’ you

Greatness - Delusions of Grandeur?


I wrote this out in a document. Afraid to post this publicly elsewhere. Modern Psychiatry has a sort of safeguard against strong-minded, independent, and big thinkers and it's called a "grandiose delusion". This is somewhat two-sided.

If a person is struggling inwardly and is discontented with himself and his environment he's considered to be "unwell" rather than his environment and its practices which are what is actually unwell and contributes to his unwellness. Breaking free from this is not easy at all. Especially if you develop symptoms which are telling of a certain "disorder". That disorder of course being schizophrenia.

Now, just because a person goes around and believes something to be true that isn't and because they happen to overlap , does that mean that everyone who comes along with similar "symptoms" are indeed the same? This is the problem. How do you address thinking like this? All that occurs is that the persons become convinced by this and submit to this sorcery since it is too much of a burden to go against standard convention. By submitting, you find a sense of comfort (which probably deep down the person feels could be a lie) rather than continue to try and break free or pursue this desire.

---- The document:
It's just something that happens. You drop everything you're doing and you feel this need to do *something* but can't figure it out. It's a need or desire to do something great.

"It's called a grandiose delusion."

[eyebrows furrow] Wrong. It is a response to what has become of the world.

"Now there is an absurdity saying that harmony is discord or is composed of elements which are still in a state of discord.

For harmony is a symphony, and symphony is an agreement; but an agreement of disagreements while they disagree there cannot be; you cannot harmonize that which disagrees." - The Symposium

BETTY: I'm beginning to see the application. Suppose you get into that clanging factory, that awful place of discordant elements--that's the world of limited sight where you can't understand values--and get confused over issues. You are in this world and you cannot tell the greatest good from the present expediency: you can't distinguish the right thing to do. Instead of trying to fight through with your intellect, you retire to the higher consciousness and begin your inner generation. This produces a shaft of power and light which you can turn on your problem. Then you see clearly, and easily find your solution.

So, do I think this "light" that beckons is at all just a "hallucination"? Not at all.

"They don't think Plato is being literal when he says that knowledge leads to the light."

"We were once one but because of the wickedness of mankind God has dispersed us..." - The Symposium

"I don't think I can say this: I'll try.

As soon as I arrive at this superhappiness, this suspension, this equilibrium of health and happiness, it must return me to acute perception of the lack of it in the world. It rushes from its force into weakness, like the great physical law of the vacuum; it rushes to it. That explains the eagerness to help us of those who have acquired it over here. It is the basis of all true service...." - Betty White, Across the Unknown

--- document end

So tell me, do you really think this world should continue as it is?

"The superior man always thinks of virtue, the common man only of comfort." - Confucius

A comfort of a lie. A lie that if continued to be lived could really bite you in the ass later.

It's more than an image: Sublimity = To impress the mind with a sense of grandeur and awe

The Supreme

Just from where did it come?
Who can say for sure?
And why in all their days
Did they continue to assert
That they knew it all
Until another came along
Just to say you don't
Was it worth fighting for?
When after it all they faded
Stolen by a solemn silence
Of something so supreme
That neither their cursing
Nor their violent actions
No matter their want
Their ignorance of its presence
Could it ever curse them back